In a deft cost-saving measure, the entire staff of the AC/DC (Academic and Career Disillusionment Center) has been replaced by a new AI program called RegisterBot™ alongside a handful of highly motivated cows from the The Western’s™ SmartHolstein™ Lab. “We were thunderstruck by the news,” confided AC/DC spokesperson Angus Young. “No one could really tell from our acronym if we were there to advise students or to simply salute those among them who were about to rock. So now we’re being replaced by AI and a bunch of cows. What a highway to hell this has been!” Just before he duckwalked out of the building in his undersized British schoolboy uniform, Young admitted that “We basically did all the dirty deeds that faculty used to do for dirt cheap as part of their jobs. But we bureaucratized the advising process so that now it takes an entire administrative service division of 30+ people to do the same work, but less well. Oi!! Hell’s bells, mate!! From now on, unless the cows go way overboard with their hay allotment, the university should be back in black.”
RegisterBot™ will chat with students in a dismissive tone and condescending voice synthesized from samples of the most ornery and contemptuous sources available: old episodes of William F. Buckley’s Firing Line, President Caboni’s speech to the Faculty Senate, and the after-game press conferences of New England Patriots Head Coach, Bill Belichick. The no-nonsense AI advisor will efficiently and automatically connect students to courses, bathrooms, and career paths deemed suitable by grim bean counters at the Center for Post-Secondary Eradication.
In? New certificate programs in Tax Evasion, Wealth Concentration (for others, not you), Compliance Management, Union Busting, Libertarian Opera, and Recreational Ballistics
Out? “Woke” majors that acknowledge climate change, the importance of knowing stuff…you know…pretty much everything else.
The tool also reached out to all three newly minted bovine bureaucrats, but only one of the three Holsteins, known as ‘Bessie,’ responded to us by press time. While RegisterBot™ will handle the essential needs of students, those incoming freshman with especially annoying complaints (e.g. “Do I have to take a morning class?” “But I don’t LIKE math!”) will be sent to the cows. What sort of major programs would the cows suggest for students who were undecided on a career path? “MOOOOsic,” responded Bessie.
Big Red Tool 